Motherhood and positive reinforcement

My 2yr old is currently at a stage where she will do just about anything to earn praise and attention from me. So I spend a large proportion of my day saying things like: thank you for waiting, good job helping Mama, well done with your drawing, very nice cleaning up, excellent use of your words... etc, etc, and ad-really-truly-nauseam.

Which has led me to realize that motherhood itself involves very little positive reinforcement for the mother. All the little sacrifices, triumphs, times you bite your tongue and *don't* say what you are really thinking, all the times you grit your teeth and smile patiently and ask *one more time* for sweetie-to-please-do-whatever, or even more importantly to *not* do something... All of these go essentially unnoticed.

The chid doesn't notice, naturally, because they are children. I don't want or expect them to notice. At the end of the day the co-parent doesn't notice, except the bits that didn't get done, and there are no other adults around during the day *to* notice. And the same thing goes on day after day, week after week, until Mother's Day. Then there is a sudden shower of flowers/chocolates/I don't know how you do it comments, and the next day it starts all over again.

I think this is why motherhood feels very lonely and isolating. All these experiences are being lived, lessons being learned, and there isn't anyone on the spot to share it with. Motherhood is a very challenging and dynamic time, but there isn't anyone to see or appreciate your personal growth. Even when mothers talk to each other about their experiences to the extent that drives non-parents up the wall, there are often significant parts which are not shared.

It has been a big change for me, going from working in a close team environment to being at home alone. Working in a busy Emergency Department there was always someone around to say "Guess what I just saw!" or to bounce ideas off, or to say "I'm not sure that went very well, how could I have handled that better?" In a house, or a park, or a shopping centre this just doesn't happen. I think this is one of the reasons mothers often say that motherhood has taught them to appreciate their own mothers.

More on why mothers don't fully disclose to one another to follow...

Tiredness and Acopia

Funny how being tired can affect everything else in my life. The little events, comments and accidents that I would usually be able to cope with, ignore or fix up, suddenly seem overwhelming. My ability to make decisions is reduced and my usual function (which I flatter myself is average most of the time) is well below par. I mean, there is no other way to explain the paralysis I experience when having to decide whether to use a comma or not. Suddenly the ability to find the spell-checker goes out the window, and the number of letters in the word is just, well, embarrassing.

So, in my considered medical opinion "acopia" (the condition of lacking coping) is significantly more likely in the absence of sufficient sleep. Then again, I think any mother of any baby is on to that diagnosis pretty quickly without the need for seven years at university. In the interests of full disclosure of my new insights into motherhood, I will also reveal that I have learned exactly why parents let their toddlers eat or not eat whatever they like, spend all day in front of the TV and have no discipline whatsoever...

Lent and fasting

My Lent fast is not going so well. This year I decided to go sugar-free for Lent, and break my usual (bad) habit of indulging my sweet tooth. I've discovered that I really am sugar addicted. People talk about being a chocoholic like it is something funny, but I'm beginning to think that this really is the female equivalent of alcoholism. Alcoholics drink to feel better, to avoid pain or escape problems and to get an artificial "kick" which life isn't providing. Sugar/chocolate does all that for me.

The worst part is that I *chose* this Lent discipline because I wanted to break the habit of being dependent on sugar and get back to being dependent on God. The fact that I now am not able to keep this discipline says what exactly? That I really am addicted? Yes, probably. That I am too lacking in willpower to see through a discipline for even 40 bloody days? Yes, that too. That I am so short-sighted that I would rather have the instant gratification of something that is bad for me than invest in the relationship which is supposed to sustain my life? Sadly, yes.

I find myself making excuses to myself: I'm tired, I have a new baby, the toddler isn't sleeping, I really *need* this, it is a birthday cake so it doesn't count, if D were here to help it would be better, etc. But none of that is the point. I chose this Lent discipline in order to fast, and part of fasting is missing out, suffering and identifying with the suffering of Jesus. I should *need* that as well. I should *need* God - and isn't a very pleasant reflection that I would rather have chocolate. That sugar is my major emotional crutch at the moment, and I need it so much that I become irritable and anxious at the knowledge that I can't have it. If I were seeing a patient with these symptoms, I would definitely diagnose a chemical dependence/withdrawal state. I really feel like I belong in a group when the introductions start with "I'm here because I know that I have a problem..."

Jealous

Ok, I admit it. This is somewhat insane, but I am jealous of the attention my husband is paying to the situation of the my friend's husband. I told you, it is insane!

Let me explain: my friend is the breadwinner for her family, and her husband (K) is the full-time stay-at-home father and primary carer for their son. When we went to their place for dinner, of course I chatted with my friend and the two fathers exchanged views on life, the universe and everything.

Ever since that night, D has gone on and on about how hard it must be for K, how he has given up his career and made such a sacrifice, how isolating it must be alone in the house all day with only a child to talk to, how relentless and grinding the demands of housework, how unappreciated all the work seems to be, how understandable it would be if K were to become depressed.

And I want to slap him and say: sound familiar? Or is it only admirable when a *man* does it? When a woman does it, this is just normal "wife work"??

Just tired tonight...

It is that irony which all parents are probably familiar with: what have I accomplished today? Well, I put out a load of laundry. That's about it, really. I read three toddler books in excruciating detail. I made an omlette which Evie refused to eat. I made lasagna which Evie refused to eat. I got tired of cooking and reheated some fish from the other day, and Evie refused to eat that as well. So I gave her bread and water and put her to bed. For an hour and a half.

My other major achievement for the day was to miss the appointment to see a house that I was really hoping would be the right one for us. Evie was having such a good time at the park I didn't want to leave until the very last moment. Then, at the said very last moment, she fell off a head-height platform and cried for the fifteen minutes that I had allocated to drive to the house. She wasn't hurt, just scared, and I suppose I could have put her in the car and gone anyway - but that's the stuff of motherhood. After the grapes and the cuddles and the comforting I got to the house and it was closed.

Then when I got home I found a letter from the bank saying that my credit card payment was late. A check of my email showed that a reference I promised to write for an ex-resident of mine is now overdue.

Just one thing after another. Well, at least I got a load of laundry done. That's one thing better than yesterday...